FINDING THE LOVE YOU WANT
When I was a little girl, I dreamed of a knight in shining armor coming to carry me away on his white horse. Many children’s fairy tales tell of a damsel in distress with someone coming to her rescue. This set up an expectation of my distress being cured by someone's intervention.
It has taken a life time to learn how to do it differently. The right person comes along when I’m living my own dreams and taking responsibility for my own dilemmas. It is okay to ask for help. The trap comes when I expect things from other people and expect they will not say, “no.” People deserve the right to have choices, just as I do. To be disappointed in the reply sends the message, “I’m only willing to like you when you do what I want.” It’s not a very loving way to be in relationship.
It has also been helpful to learn to care about myself and care about others simultaneously. My habit has been to default to the preference of others without regard to my own thoughts and feelings about it. I do a disservice to everyone by not being honest and not following my own path. Life is richer when we own our passions and discover other people who have the same passions. Pretending to like someone else’s interest and sacrificing my own, creates internal conflict for us both.
So, though I’m not perfect at it even now, I honor my values, interests, energy, time, space, and profession. As I do, I meet like minded people who are fun to be around and who enjoy me more because I’m real, rather than fake or blank. As I learn to love myself, and love others, life turns around for me. As I learn to embrace new challenges and interests that I choose, life flows more beautifully.
It appears that loving oneself and honoring personal preferences and boundaries, allows relationships to flow easily and effortlessly too. Every time I get in victim, rescuer, perpetrator patterns; it is painful for everyone. So as Bob Newhart would say, “Just stop it!” I cannot stop it, if I don’t know I’m in it. Awareness is important.
The reason for writing this is to inform and grow awareness, not just for me, but for those of you who want to make those changes. Internal change is necessary. With internal change, comes external change. I attract that which I believe. The belief is held in the brain and in the body and in the feelings. As I attune to the messages of the body, brain, and feelings; I honor who I am. Then I also learn to honor who you are.
Love flows from this mutual honoring.
Here’s to finding the love you want. Let me know if I can help.
Pamela Simmons Counseling/Coaching